Sunday, November 02, 2008

am i supposed to learn like this?

i admit that i have questioned going to college off and on since senior year high school. and recently it has just been even more difficult. granted, i do have a lot of homework and papers and speeches due this week and last week, but i think i would still be frustrated even if i didn't have all of this homework.

i guess i am frustrated about the whole school environment. the whole idea of sitting at a desk inside of four-walls being taught on how to live life, how to figure out God's will for you, how to do God's will, etc. its just frustrating! epecially as i read in my Bible classes (that are spent on learning the correct ways to read the Bible) about how people learned by apprenticeship basically. i mean if you wanted to go into a line of work, you studied under a skilled person in that area and took the trade from there. even if you go along the side of disciple making. the disciples followed under Jesus, Jesus gave them opportunities before He left, and then He handed it over to them to work on and teach others to do the same thing. that makes complete sense to me! and i know it does to various lines of work or why else would they have student teachers, internships, and such. but i dont understand we there is a higher emphasis on writing papers and taking tests rather than spending more time "out in the field" through internships and stuff. i honestly don't understand. i would like an answer, because it honestly doesn't make any sense to me.

and also, i feel like i am wasting my time sitting here working on papers that talk about how to live life. i was talking to a girl who has to write a 3 page paper i think on serving people. wouldnt it make more of an impact to actually serve people rather than writing a paper on how to serve??? i just feel like i am wasting my time!

and it is even more frustrating because i felt like i was coming back to Grace because of the relationships God had in mind for me, not necessarily for an education. and i was ok with that honestly and i still am, but it is more frustrating now when it seems like they push for such a high emphasis on education and then if you have time build relationships, oh and if you have any other time then serve and grow your relationship with God. so many girls have come into my room and just wanted to talk WHICH IS AMAZING and it makes me cry with joy because i feel so blessed by God, and then i have to cut short time with them because "i need to get good grades because i wont get a good job without good grades". so even though i would much rather stay up talking with girls and building relationships with them, instead i have to stay up writing papers that are going to be thrown away after they are graded.

i just feel so frustrated. especially after i spend time with the girls on my hall or the kids at youth group. i would much rather spend time walking through life with them and helping them grow as opposed to spending my time writing papers. i feel this urge welling up inside of me to go into the world and share the love of Christ with youth and help them grow in their relationship with Christ and help others to do the same. instead, for some reason, i am supposed to hold off on that until i can get a degree that OFFICIALLY says i am equipped to to so. honestly, right now, if it weren't for the relationships i am building on campus and with the girls in my small group, i can't think of specific reasons to stay here.

am i wrong for feeling this way? maybe i would be able to ignore these feelings and questions if i knew they were wrong. im just so frustrated. i almost want someone to tell me that these feelings will go away or that this is extremely wrong for me to think, then maybe i wouldn't feel the need to cry out of frustration at night or feel like my heart was being crushed into a tiny box.

i have so much more to say, but i need to work on homework before i can go to bed. well, if anyone has an answer to this, i honestly welcome whatever answers you have.


Amber said...

You know me...I don't really have much of an answer to most things...but I'll be praying for you. I know it's hard when your heart says one thing and what you're "supposed to do" says another. As long as your willing to be used by God in whatever situation your in, you'll be ok.

Amber said...

p.s. I had a chance to put a few pictures on my blog.

Sarah said...

Ah, my Kimmy. You are growing up. Lately I've been realizing it's about submission, surrender, and discipline. If we just did what we wanted, well that really wouldn't be God's will, would it?

I will pray for you. I trust you and your judgment and know you won't make any rash decisions. I love you and I know that I would be honored to have you mentor my son.

Anyway, we'd love to see on thanksgiving weekend. You can call or stop by. We're planning on getting together with Tony and Amber on Friday night of that weekend.

love you!