Monday, November 17, 2008

First Snow Fall

Yesterday it snowed a little bit, mostly during youth group last night (youth group last night was pretty awesome, then to come outside with snow on my car and seeing my breath made me smile). but today i woke up and we had huge snow flakes falling outside, it was quite beautiful. but it melted pretty quickly after it fell, but supposedly we are supposed to get more snow this week or weekend.

this weekend im hanging out with my roomie for her birthday (her birthday is on monday, but i am taking a girl on our hall to ft. wayne to the doctor's office). i know for sure we are going to see the movie TWILIGHT. most, if not all, of the girls in my small group have been raving about it and all of the books. my friends back home too talked about the books this summer. i read the first book a couple of weekends ago and i thought it was good. intense, but good. depending on what it is like, i would like to watch it another time with the girls in my small group and then talk about it afterwards.

lately i have been wanting to travel. its odd, but it usually happens after youth group or on a Tuesday/Wednesday. i find myself thinking about just driving away from Grace to either Boston, Massachusetts or Portland, Oregon or even to Texas or California. its crazy, and i never thought i would do it. but the more i think about it, the more i want to do it and i start to plan it out. and i know at least three other girls who have said they would like to do it (i dont know if they actually would BUT. . . ) which makes it seem more possible. realistically i know its not smart to just leave a note saying "driving to Portland, be back later . . .much later", skipping a bunch of classes, and completely disregarding school and whatever obligations I have here. but the only thing i would regret missing would be my small group girls honestly. i dont know, it just sounds so tempting especially with all of the frustrations of school and what not. i doubt i will actually follow through with this idea, but its tempting and nice to just dream about.

im almost half-way done with my sophomore year in college. thats strange and i dont know how i feel about that yet. excited = yes. nervous = absolutely! but i think Thanksgiving break might help me calm down a bit.

two sundays ago, one of my friends on the hall and i were sitting in alpha dinning after youth group was over (she is a small group leader as well). we were just talking and hanging out and at some point got on the discussion of boys (imagine that!) and it turned somehow to me and how i have never dated. she meant it as an encouragement (which I understood) but instead it came out as what we call 'word vomit'. she ended up comparing me to one of her best guy friends back home who has never dated, and whom she said will most likely be single for his entire life. i was shocked at the words that came out, even though i knew what she intended to say. it caught me off guard and she apologized and said its not what she meant. i joke with her about it now, just cause she was trying to explain how special it will be for his girlfriend/wife to know that he never dated anyone but her (which is a sweet idea). but honestly the 'word vomit' did sting a little bit. BUT!!! i dealt with it much better than i think i would have originally if it had happened last year. and honestly, its nice not feeling the pressure from myself or others concerning guys (or the lack of). i am content and happy. just something i thought i would share with those whom i have previously shared my struggles and thoughts concerning thos areas. :) (thanks for your prayers!)

well time to do homework i suppose.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

am i supposed to learn like this?

i admit that i have questioned going to college off and on since senior year high school. and recently it has just been even more difficult. granted, i do have a lot of homework and papers and speeches due this week and last week, but i think i would still be frustrated even if i didn't have all of this homework.

i guess i am frustrated about the whole school environment. the whole idea of sitting at a desk inside of four-walls being taught on how to live life, how to figure out God's will for you, how to do God's will, etc. its just frustrating! epecially as i read in my Bible classes (that are spent on learning the correct ways to read the Bible) about how people learned by apprenticeship basically. i mean if you wanted to go into a line of work, you studied under a skilled person in that area and took the trade from there. even if you go along the side of disciple making. the disciples followed under Jesus, Jesus gave them opportunities before He left, and then He handed it over to them to work on and teach others to do the same thing. that makes complete sense to me! and i know it does to various lines of work or why else would they have student teachers, internships, and such. but i dont understand we there is a higher emphasis on writing papers and taking tests rather than spending more time "out in the field" through internships and stuff. i honestly don't understand. i would like an answer, because it honestly doesn't make any sense to me.

and also, i feel like i am wasting my time sitting here working on papers that talk about how to live life. i was talking to a girl who has to write a 3 page paper i think on serving people. wouldnt it make more of an impact to actually serve people rather than writing a paper on how to serve??? i just feel like i am wasting my time!

and it is even more frustrating because i felt like i was coming back to Grace because of the relationships God had in mind for me, not necessarily for an education. and i was ok with that honestly and i still am, but it is more frustrating now when it seems like they push for such a high emphasis on education and then if you have time build relationships, oh and if you have any other time then serve and grow your relationship with God. so many girls have come into my room and just wanted to talk WHICH IS AMAZING and it makes me cry with joy because i feel so blessed by God, and then i have to cut short time with them because "i need to get good grades because i wont get a good job without good grades". so even though i would much rather stay up talking with girls and building relationships with them, instead i have to stay up writing papers that are going to be thrown away after they are graded.

i just feel so frustrated. especially after i spend time with the girls on my hall or the kids at youth group. i would much rather spend time walking through life with them and helping them grow as opposed to spending my time writing papers. i feel this urge welling up inside of me to go into the world and share the love of Christ with youth and help them grow in their relationship with Christ and help others to do the same. instead, for some reason, i am supposed to hold off on that until i can get a degree that OFFICIALLY says i am equipped to to so. honestly, right now, if it weren't for the relationships i am building on campus and with the girls in my small group, i can't think of specific reasons to stay here.

am i wrong for feeling this way? maybe i would be able to ignore these feelings and questions if i knew they were wrong. im just so frustrated. i almost want someone to tell me that these feelings will go away or that this is extremely wrong for me to think, then maybe i wouldn't feel the need to cry out of frustration at night or feel like my heart was being crushed into a tiny box.

i have so much more to say, but i need to work on homework before i can go to bed. well, if anyone has an answer to this, i honestly welcome whatever answers you have.